Instead of going out on Saturday, I stay in and reflect.

Well, I did go out last night so maybe it is OK. Anyway, here is a nice deep reflection I have been stewing over for the past few days, from yours truly at 1:30 am (totally the best time to write deep blog reflections FYI).

I feel like the ceiling of insight finally caved and collapsed on top of me earlier this week. As of this minute, I have been in Japan for 8 months, ten days, 14 hours, and two minutes (estimation of course). Some people say it takes a year to adjust to a new life in a foreign place, some say it takes two months, some say blah blah, but I am pretty positive it took me 8 months, and 6 days to adjust.

I have spent the past 8 months on this constant looping emotional roller coaster (with really steep drops and a few loops). I also spent a good deal of time thinking there was something wrong with me--why wasn't I enjoying this experience 100%? All my friends who studied abroad overseas during college seemed to, so why wasn't I, what was wrong with me?? But, now that I have had some good heart to heart talks with a few friends who have lived overseas (especially ones who went to a completely different culture like me), I realized that I was just seeing their "happy" moments, and in fact they admitted every day could be a struggle for them living overseas. So, phew, nothing is wrong with me! OK, I have actually known this now for a few weeks, but this week I finally pinpointed why it has taken me so long to adjust to being in this country.

I mean, take away the fact it is an opposite culture with some really annoying people, lack of variety in food (especially food I am used to), and some weird foreign people living here. Wait, actually that last part does have to do with the point I am about to make. I voluntarily ripped myself away from my comfort zone. I was quite comfortable in college. I have a good group of friends, I was never really "alone", and I always had someone to lean on when I was having a difficult time. In other words I was sheltered and needed to be in the "real world." Except, I purposely put myself in "Real World level 7.5" (anything higher would involve being homeless, or living in Sub-Saharan Africa). Which is good, it's that whole "dive straight into the deep end" thing. But, it also has its ramifications. Some of mine included freaking out because I went from having lots of friends (well I still have them but they are now across the world from me), to wondering what the heck I was going to do on a weekend, and being surrounded (well this is still present tense actually) by weird people. I was in a country whose culture I didn't really understand. The clothes here fit weird. People stare at me. My job has long hours I was not really used to working. The summer weather was shocking. I look fat compared to most girls here. Etc etc. Basically, I lost all of that "security" I felt back in the US. I also lost a lot of confidence in myself, and my purpose of even coming here became kind of lost to me. I found myself clinging like a wet cat onto anything that could make me feel like my life was the same as it was before I left. I was also in a lot of denial--even up until a few days ago.

It's funny because talking to my wonderful friends I eventually made here, they either have gone or are still going through the exact same thing. So once again, it is reassuring to know I am not actually insane or weird. I am sure those of you who communicate with me other than reading this blog can recall many times I vented your ears off about hating it here, or being unhappy, or whatever. My friends said they have done the exact same thing. And none of us are even negative people to begin with! Now, I think it is just a natural phase of adjusting. Because, I have basically had to rebuild myself piece by piece since arrival. It has been difficult. It has made me be furious at myself for even coming here. It has made me cry myself to sleep. But, I think the construction is over. I have finally accepted my life here. I have accepted how this country and culture is, and that it is homogenous to the extreme and that is just never going to change. I have also accepted myself a bit more than before. And, I have also realized I need to keep making things happen for myself (truthfully I haven't been too shabby with that, but still)--opportunities don't really fall into your lap that much back home, so that definitely isn't going to over here in the land of inopportunity! Now it is just that refinishing stuff, which doesn't seem very painful considering what I have experienced. I think while putting the pieces back together, I really did find parts of myself I wasn't that aware of (I know I know I am using some cheesy metaphors haha). I have discovered new hobbies, talents, and abilities. Honestly, you have no idea how rewarding it is to handle your own problems and get away unscathed in a country whose language you don't even speak! It really gives you that "Wow if I can do that, I can do anything!" feeling.

So, especially in my whining moments, I have been asked, "Do you regret going there?" And my answer varied. But now I can say no, I have no regrets. Although it has been difficult so far, and I am sure there is more of that to come in the next 10 months I am here (and, uh, probably the rest of my life haha), what I am getting out of this experience really is priceless. I think I am going to return to the States the person I truly want to be. I know, so sappy. :)

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Ok, and now for a normal update that isn't so philosophical or personal. I am getting excited for my vacation to Korea! I am pretty sure I will be able to see some college friends who are there teaching English for maybe NYE and some other things. I am also just generally excited to travel again! Oh, and I hate to brag over here in strong currency land, but *the yen is way stronger than the Korean won right now. At the moment I believe the entire country is a 20-30% discount for me!!! :) I think I deserve it.

*I knocked on wood just in case I jinxed myself.